I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
