Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
