Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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