I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
