An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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