I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
