i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
