Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
