I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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