bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
