I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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