winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
