You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
