the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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