Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
