Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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