I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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