i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I did not marry a roomba.
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