I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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