I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
