I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
