I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
