ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
