1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
