im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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