this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
