I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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