i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
