ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Randomize
