Im at strip club and am horny
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
