I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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