Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
