Pants 0. Shit 1.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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