I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so much tequila, so little girl.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
