they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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