My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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