i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
