Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
