Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
