i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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