Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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