You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
