What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Im part way to drunk.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
