just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
