so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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