Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
