just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
