No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
