Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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