I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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