I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
